The European Church Of Cannabis
I have heard whispers about a new religion. Somewhere in Europe there is a bunch of devout herbalists with a story to tell about peace and love and happiness. Dodging CIA x-rays they have remained under cover so far, but it is getting out. Their religion is beginning to gather momentum. They have commandments but the bishops keep forgetting to write them down and their strict laws and bi-laws don’t get upheld because the police priests keep getting distracted by a humming noise. Anyway, the game is up. The stiff, straight-laced, handsome Europeans have given birth to a cannabis church of their own. They have established a protestant cannabis church that doesn’t believe the American churches have spoken to saint Bob as directly as the European ones have.
One of the last things Saint Bob was believed to have said was, ” you have to give it to them Europeans though man”. I think it is quite clear what this means. The church doesn’t want America getting all the glory. Its members are praying that their prohibition free dream doesn’t go up in smoke. The European Church is being set up because it is to religion, what cannabis law is to justice.
I sat in on a church service last week and it was quite moving the way the pastor said a few kind words for all the family and close friends of the victims of the Colorado Cannabis death epidemic. What the main stream media hasn’t told you is that Colorado has the highest Cannabis over dose deaths in the world. The pastor sent round a basket for a collection. The money was going to buy flowers and chocolates for the after service.
Some of the rich Swiss members have decided to flip the American model on its head. The European church is actually paying a subscription to its members instead of the normal other way round. A Danish accountant said the Swiss would go bankrupt if the church ever got going, to which the Swiss made a grunting sound. It was reported that one of the Swiss then called someone a swine, but because it was never made clear who was a swine, the matter was dropped. After a tense, but good natured pause they all went back to pointing out how different the European church was from either the First Church or the Unified Church of American cannabis.
When I asked about the church’s beliefs, the pretty young lady on my left said their beliefs stemmed from the stem of a cannabis leaf. Breathlessly I asked had she ever seen Jesus or Elvis in a cannabis leaf. She asked if I was feeling alright. I didn’t know if her line of questioning was a religious test, or maybe a hazing of some kind so I just said I had a couple of edibles before the service and I always get like this. The church itself was a normal looking, severe Calvinist interior design. Splinter giving wood forced the outer world madness back from the freedom loving sanctuary that is the belly of the congregation. The herb is the prophet. Just as Jesus before it, the herb is bringing a message of love and hope that flies in the face of the power obsessed over lords. Use the herb and try not to act too weird. A Czech asked if anyone had written the commandments down yet. Everyone looked at the Belgian half secretary. Go fuck yourselves, I never asked to be the half secretary, so I won’t be made responsible for scribing our sacred truths.
This went on for hours. The Dutch were ignoring the French. Who in turn over compensated by laughing loudly at everything the German delegation said. When the service was over, a large group of riot police came bursting through the doors. All you adults that are exercising your freedom are under arrest. Up against the wall, and spread them naughty legs. As the cops got busy touching up the hippies I quietly jumped out the window. I thought to myself, a church like this would be fun to join. I can’t wait to see the commandments, I hear they are supposed to be amazing.